November 4, 2014

Seeking Equanimity

The room is dark. I’m on my knees. I feel my legs. They seem stiff. Connected, yet detached….


My thoughts wonder. Away from the small light. Then back to it.


I feel a stillness. Inside my body. I hear a sound. I try to let it go. It stays.


It is a baby crying. I hear the sound inside my mind, but I’m outside. Connected, yet disconnected, at the same time.  Somewhere in between.


I feel the stillness. Encompassing my body. It is much deeper now.


Why am I writing about this here? I’m not totally sure, but it might be because I think I might have found a small form of equanimity in my running, and I would like to figure out how to do the same in my everyday life. I emphasize might and small form because I’m really not sure what I have found. It could be connected to the experience of riding the 100 mile roller coaster. Being on my feet day and night while facing the highs and the lows that come with running for 20+ hours. To recognize the inevitable peaks and valleys for what they are - temporary. And not let them control me.

A couple of years ago I attended a Zen Meditation workshop. It was a brief stint, and I only attended a couple of sessions. But I have not forgotten the experience. In fact the above scene is taken directly from my experience there. Is it odd that I can I can remember these few minutes like they happened an hour ago? I’m beginning to wonder how much more I would be able to appreciate things if I was really present, like right there, not judging or thinking. Just being, right there.

Beginning today, I’m embarking on a quest to find equanimity. This would be the place where mental calmness, composure, evenness of temper, prevail. It’s also a place where anger, judgment, and angst can be overcome. I’m just tired of being jerked around by my emotions and biases. I’m not out to extinguish feelings, for that would be unplugging from life itself. On the contrary, I will seek new intimacy in them, but try to learn to recognize and acknowledge them without letting them control me.

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