The room is dark. I’m on my knees. I feel my legs. They seem
stiff. Connected, yet detached….
B-r-e-a-t-h-e….d-e-e-p-l-y
My thoughts wonder. Away from the small light. Then back to
it.
B-r-e-a-t-h-e….d-e-e-p-l-y…
I feel a stillness. Inside my body. I hear a sound. I try to
let it go. It stays.
B-r-e-a-t-h-e….d-e-e-p-l-y…
It is a baby crying. I hear the sound inside my mind, but
I’m outside. Connected, yet disconnected, at the same time. Somewhere in between.
B-r-e-a-t-h-e….d-e-e-p-l-y…
I feel the stillness. Encompassing my body. It is much
deeper now.
B-r-e-a-t-h-e….d-e-e-p-l-y…
Why am I writing about this here? I’m not totally sure, but
it might be because I think I might
have found a small form of equanimity
in my running, and I would like to figure out how to do the same in my everyday
life. I emphasize might and small form because I’m really not sure what I have
found. It could be connected to the experience of riding the 100 mile roller
coaster. Being on my feet day and night while facing the highs and the lows
that come with running for 20+ hours. To recognize the inevitable peaks and
valleys for what they are - temporary.
And not let them control me.
A couple of years ago I attended a Zen Meditation workshop.
It was a brief stint, and I only attended a couple of sessions. But I have not
forgotten the experience. In fact the above scene is taken directly from my
experience there. Is it odd that I can I can remember these few minutes like
they happened an hour ago? I’m beginning to wonder how much more I would be
able to appreciate things if I was really present, like right there, not
judging or thinking. Just being, right there.
Beginning today, I’m embarking on a quest to find
equanimity. This would be the place where mental calmness, composure, evenness
of temper, prevail. It’s also a place where anger, judgment, and angst can be
overcome. I’m just tired of being jerked around by my emotions and biases. I’m
not out to extinguish feelings, for
that would be unplugging from life itself. On the contrary, I will seek new intimacy
in them, but try to learn to recognize and acknowledge them without letting
them control me.
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